Your discovery of the lifestyle likely happened at the intersection of someone in the relationship being curious enough, and brave enough to bring up the topic of exploring sexuality in a new way. They now feel comfortable enough to share their desires. The tricky part is that as individuals, we will also have a list of desires that are as unique as we are. And, if the adage, “opposites attract”, is true in your relationships, how easily does this further complicate things? You love your partner, so how do you navigate their interests when what they want may not be of interest to you? How do you support your partner with something that is on the top of their list when it isn't even on your list? In this episode Tori & Soul are having another CarTalk. This time it's about promiscuity and drinking and fantasies, and having your partner support it all. Here goes another emotional discussion, when one person is, clearly, more highly charged, and the other is more rational. We wanted to share this discussion so that others could hear a demonstration of how partners can support one another, in their lifestyle journey, as they open up and uncovering what truly pleases them. Listen and discover how to embrace the understanding that, “what one person does, really has nothing to do the the other person” – which is the opposite of what many people are taught to believe about relationships. Supporting your partner (while having established agreements about behaviours in place) is more likely to bring you closer to each other, rather than weakening your connection – the opposite to what people often fear.
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Podcasts and Resources Mentioned:
Torrid Souls Episode 16: Bi is the New Black
How to Leave a Review with a Nickname
Interesting Quotes:
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Coming into the lifestyle at a certain point in their relationship – looking for certain things – how they relate, what's included, how you do what you do
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Changes happen, and discussion continues
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You evolve as you have experiences
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I've always wanted to try it, but not I'm feeling more comfortable and confident
- One person will often be more rational in the discussion, and one a little less
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How partner can support one another in their journey
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What one person does, really has nothing to do with the other
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It doesn't make sense based on what everybody knows
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If I do something and you say you can do whatever you want to do and I'll support you — that's weird!
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Kinda threw you for a loop
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Even though it has nothing to do with the other, it still affects the other
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Anything I do for myself, I do for myself. I don't do things against someone else
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Most compassionate, normal people really don't do anything to harm anyone else
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We are indoctrinated to think that when you get married, it's a quirky way of ownership
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That the relationship is all about the other person and that everything is connected
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It's about supporting the other person to be the best person they can be, to have fun, enjoy life
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One person will say something “what about this” and the other person “what does that mean for me”
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See them as a separate person who you're supporting to enjoy life as much as possible
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The purpose of the relationship is to support each other to be the best person that you can be, to have your needs and wants fulfilled, to be happy and to be an amazing person
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In communicating someones wants and needs, the best way to have a supportive relationship receive that is to see it as separate, to have your wants and needs seen as separate
- What we're saying is to have an agreement set up, as to how this will look for you as a couple, then go do your thing
- When wants and needs are communicated, they really have nothing to do with the partner
- When you have a relationship, shit starts coming up
- When you feel safe, the things that were hidden, that you were scared to talk about, not confident about, are now easier to reveal
- If there's anything you want in life, you should just do it
- Money flows to us from expected and unexpected sources everyday!
- Life is just about moving stuff, so to me, you need to do the things you want to do
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If anything in life is something you want to do, I signed up to support you, that's called a relationship/marriage in my opinion. My job is to support my partner in doing what's best for them, and what they enjoy, so we can individually enjoy life, and collectively enjoy life together.
- This does work for me, if you're happy, I get to share in that happiness
- I'm “how's this going to affect me”
- What you do for fun, doesn't affect me. Well I guess it can affect me, but emotionally it doesn't have to.
- I discovered in one of our discussions recently that I lose discretion
- I would have been psycho crazy wild doing all kinds of unsafe things
- When I was 13, I started having sex
- You were systematic and logical
- You responsibly did things that weren't appropriate for your age
- On the top of the car, naked, riding down the road at the beach
- I had 4 tequila's in Cancun, and fell over — into someone's lap
- When you do have too much to drink, or imbibe in THC, you do lose your discretion
- You were determined to get more drinks at the bar, you were going to get them for everybody
- We are not condoning getting plastered as a part of your lifestyle experience
- We are the ones drinking water, and dancing until 3 o'clock in the morning, then playing until 7 in the morning
- What would happen if I let go of my fears
- You really truly do need supervision
- I will guide you towards who I know you like
- If you were wild and crazy, and you get with all kinds of people, you said you won't be okay with that when you are sober
- You are the one who judge yourself
- I scare myself – I can't believe I go there
- It's a body that responds to pleasure
- I can't see what's in your mind, but I can imagine
- Boats all tied together, me naked, hoping from boat, to boat, to boat, to boat
- I think there's a whole lot of inner you that needs to be let out
- It just seems so extreme
- There's always someone saying “you can't do that”
- You're a grown-ass woman
- I'm not the only human being in the world who has made up stuff about people judging them
- You would break the cookie – As Paige says
- You're irresponsible because you're out having a great time – out floozying about!
- Why don't you waste as much time as people do watching TV, fucking people
- I like talking to people too you know. I like having great conversations. Laughing and joking around
- We do work, we get our work done, and we have a lot of fun
- I distract you — yes you do
- You're holding yourself down with all of your self-doubt and thoughts
- You had to hold me down — I like to hold you down
- Started off, because I was thanking you for not judging me
- In opposition to that, I'm actually encouraging you
- Compersion – I love it when you're happy, I get a huge kick out of when you're happy, having fun
- What would be the things you want to do that are exciting
- Need to get a collar and a leash
- My little wild girl – you are fine, you are perfect just the way you are
- All of you is accepted
- It does not matter what you say, it will be accepted, as long as you continue to be your normal, kind self, which is who you are at your core
- I've seen you flirt, it's not innocent
- I like to have fun and joke and laugh, and like it when people are equally jokey
- You just want to go and be free
- We put out as much as we can
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